Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
