They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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