I think im going to throw up on grandma
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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