now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
