3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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