If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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