I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
