I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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