I CAN MOONWALK!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
