i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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