I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
