Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Found your dick twin last night
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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