i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
