he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
