i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
