I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
