i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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