16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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