my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
