just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
