I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
