Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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