i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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