just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
