If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
