it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
