I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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