A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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