My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
