i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
