I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
