I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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