If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
