but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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