??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
This is the prime rib incident all over again
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
