Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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