after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
