OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
