Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm at about main and main street
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
