we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
