fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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