You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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