ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
