I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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