someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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