i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
