I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
