Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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