U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
