My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
